February 1, 2023
“Be CALM, BE STRONG, BE GRATEFUL, and become a lamp full of light, that the darkness of sorrows be annihilated, and the sun of everlasting joy arise from the dawning place of heart and soul, shining brightly” -Abdu’l - Baha I recently underwent a very important surgery. In my lifetime, I have had three life saving surgeries to date. The most recent, is the most permanent in my eyes. It is the most life altering, the most concrete. This surgery that I talk about, well it’s more than just a surgery, it is how I view myself in the morning how I see myself before I go to bed, when I have a shower or look in the mirror. This Surgery has changed my life. It has changed the lives of all who are in my personal circle. I lost 200 lbs, as a result of losing that much weight, had a lot of extra skin that only could be changed by plastic surgery. I underwent a tummy tuck and breast lift on July 20th 2018. I was on a 3 year wait list for this surgery. I will tell you, that the wait was worth every second. Below, you will see journal entries from a week before surgery and a week following said surgery. You will see my thought process after I raised the $4000 in just a month, and how once I reached my goal just how real it was for me, only after I raised the money was I able to accept that this was actually happening! Please sit down, relax and I will take you on a journey, one that was hard to write out. A journey of growth and pain, one of fear and in the end, a journey of self love and acceptance. Reflection- A Week and some before surgery, July 11th 2018 I am feeling nervous and anxious. I was able to raise enough money for my tummy tuck and breast lift, all because of amazing friends and family who support me in every endeavor. It is an amazing feeling, to know that when you need help, when you ask for help, help is given. Once I knew that I had enough money raised, that is when the actual wave of anxiousness and nervousness came on. When I was done fundraising, I then had time to realize that it is actually happening!! Now a few different feelings, shot through my system. The first emotion, that I felt, was that of pure fear. Not fear of the surgery,(which I thought, would be the first emotion I would feel) but the fear that I felt, was that of getting rid of my security blanket. In a huge way, this belly has been used as a source of protection. Protection from unwanted advancements from men. Protection, from being all of who I can be. I felt like it limited me, from having expectations put on me. I Fear, that when I don’t have my stomach full of skin hanging down, that I won't have it to hide behind. I won't have a reason to not do something. I will have to pull up my socks and be all of who I know I can be. I am afraid. In not being perfect, (with no more hanging skin) that my personality will change. I am afraid I will turn into an insensitive bitch. I love who I am right now, I love how kind I am towards others. I am afraid that will all change once I have the “desired” body. I remember, the last time I was “skinny”, it was when I was in grade 2. I remember teasing someone because she was not skinny. I also remember being so cruel, and so mean, I remember the tears that I caused, and it was because I was skinny. I was a bully, when the last time I remember not having a belly, when I remember being skinny, I remember the pain I inflicted on other people I don’t want to become that again, I never want to hurt someone, because of my so called “normal” body. I feel like I became obese, to make me a better person, karma is a bitch sometimes, but that was because I was one. When I was in grade three, I started to gain weight, I started to realize that, no matter what, it’s never someone's fault for how they look. Their shell, for the body that they are given is not always up to them, it is beyond their control. I am afraid that I will become that person again, once my lesson (of gaining weight and becoming obese) is done, that I will turn into that mean person again. My fear, in all reality, and most people's fear before a huge surgery like I am undergoing in less than 2 weeks from now, would be the surgery itself. Well not I. My fear, is that because I no longer have the skin, that I won't be able to relate to someone else who is obese anymore. I worry that my compassion, will be washed away, just like the fat, that passes through from the liposuction tube, will be washed down the drain. Will the lesson I learned about compassion and kindness, still be there? When the belly and fat are gone? I don’t know, and this is my biggest fear. As I sit here, in my writing room, my place of serenity and meditation, I sit with tears streaming down my face, and the air stinging my eyes. I identified with my fat,and my skin so much, that it became who I am. When it’s gone.. .will it still be the same, kind honest person? Or will I turn back into that bitch, that I remember being in grade two, who hurt someone, purely based on their outward appearance? July 28th 2018 It’s been one week and a day since I had my life saving and changing surgery, I still can't believe how life changing it actually is for me. Every single day when I do something new for the first time I am met with tears of gratefulness. Something so simple as a shower, something that I never did when I had the belly in the way, I would only take baths, because I could not ensure I was clean enough under the folds of skin from simply a shower. I was always paranoid about the smell if I didn’t clean enough under the big flap of skin, it would start to stink only a short while after the bath if I didn’t use coconut oil under the folds, I am free from the humiliation of the smell that would always seem to follow me. I am free from the routines that I had to do in order to be socially acceptable ( because who likes a stinky person) I was obsessed with not smelling, which means I would have 2 or 4 baths a day! Now all I can do is shower, but I am not afraid that I will not become clean, I no longer have a huge 10 lb flap of skin hanging off of my front, I feel so free.. I CRY daily I look at myself in the mirror naked, and smile and cry with tears of joy. I cannot help but think about how good it feels to look down and see my toes, to look down and not see what was stopping me from being the best person I know I can be. I look down and I smile. Something so simple as just looking down I am grateful for . I am so in love with myself now more than ever before, I cannot stop looking down at my toes, I cannot stop looking at myself naked in the mirror, reflecting on what i am actually seeing , I cannot stop loving myself. July 30th 2018 Today was the day that Jerry from the Humans of Edmonton Experience came to do a follow up photo shoot, I must say, that this was a completely different experience than what I had prior to surgery. Today, I was not scared of what others may think, I was not scared to show my body to the world, I was not needing courage that I had mustered up in the other photo shoot. Quite the opposite actually, I could not wait to get naked in front of the camera. I was so excited to show everyone my new body! Still when looking in the mirror, I have such a hard time remembering that this is my new body. I am so thankful to feel beautiful again, I have a new found confidence now. I want everyone to see just how life changing this surgery was for me, this means I don’t have to prepare a day a head what I will wear only to change my mind last minute because the shirt is not long enough to cover my belly when I move a certain way. I don’t have to fight with putting pants on anymore. All the anxiety that having a 10 lb apron of skin in front of me caused, well it’s no longer there anymore! I have freedom! Freedom to live my life without fear, without shame, without embarrassment. I feel beautiful and sexy and not afraid anymore. I feel happy and loved by myself now. I WANT people to see me, I want to be noticed. I love how I feel to be confident in all of who I am now, I don’t have to have a shell that hides the insecurities that I felt when I had the belly. I don’t have to feel not enough anymore. I feel safe. I feel happy, I feel like I can take on any challenge now that life throws at me. I am ready to take on the world and really show everyone what I have to offer. I am no longer limited by my own personal insecurities. Thank you for taking the time to read my struggles, my thoughts and deepest feelings. I have a passion to share what I have to offer the world, I have a drive to help as many people who might have ever had a similar experience or feeling like mine, to know that they are not alone in this struggle, in this life. I have a desire to help others who are lost in their personal darkness, to be able to see the light that they already possess. I want them to feel ignited by my light, inspired to find what their passion is. If along my journey I can help others on their personal journeys by me sharing and telling my story, I will continue to do just that. One thing I have learned, is that words are very powerful, what someone says to us or about us always has an effect on us in one way or another. Over the past year, I have found an outlet for all these big feelings, that is to write. I am a writer and a poet and a photographer. I can see people's souls and I can capture their true beauty through my lens. I want to help shed my light in whatever avenue I possibly can, be it through my writing, poetry or photography. I wanted to share one last message that can hopefully inspire another person it is in the form of a poem. Enjoy and remember that every single person has a gift that they can use to help another, find it, love and nurture it .. .and share it with others... Always Flowing Thoughts always flowing to the left and to the right. Thoughts always flowing,ready to fight. Words whispering, softly like the wind Words are healing messages, from deep within A thought, is in fact a feeling. Feelings are sent from above They teach us how to be, and how to act with love. Wisdom is granted, in order to teach, every soul within arms reach. Don't’ stop believing, you can make a difference too You can change a heart Knowledge is needed, just find somewhere to start
